


Tell me why

by drunkbert



Series: The dark season of life [6]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Adam Lambert - Freeform, Flashbacks, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad, Saulbert - Freeform, sauli koskinen - Freeform, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-17 01:02:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13648149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkbert/pseuds/drunkbert
Summary: 'I don't want you to get me wrong.'Of course.But I had got things wrong.





	Tell me why

**Author's Note:**

> Just thoughts and flashbacks

You need help.

  
You want help.

  
But you are unsure: stuck in the past and used to deal with everything on your own.

  
It hurts.

  
But it hurts less than telling someone about it.

  
My psychologist had called earlier. Adam had been sleeping peacefully next to me - or all over me - spread out like a starfish. His mouth had been hanging open and he had been snoring softly. Beautiful, I had thought before slipping carefully out of his grasp and tiptoeing downstairs with my quietly ringing phone. Adam was a heavy a sleeper. Thanks to God.

  
Or genes.

  
Whatever.

 

  
I hadn't answered the phone until I had got safely in the roomy kitchen. She had politely asked why I had stopped seeing her.

 

  
"Oikeestaan... musta tuntuis paremmalta jos...me lopetettais mun käynnit tältä erää."

 

 

True. I would feel better if I didn't have to drag myself to psychologist anymore. I was going to feel better in time. I just wanted to forget. And start over.

 

  
She had asked if I was sure.

 

  
Did I seem like a person who was sure about anything? I had laughed and said yes. The reply had been ' _if you say so_ '. It had been quicker than I had thought. The first day of meeting her had flashed in my head so quickly that it had felt like a years old memory from my early childhood. Yet I remembered everything. My mind had been filled with the details of her desk since I had mostly been staring at it during our meetings.

 

  
' _Remember to mention if I say something you find silly or weird_ ', she had always said.

 

_'I don't want you to get me wrong_.'

 

  
Of course.

 

  
But I had got things wrong.

 

 

I was mad at her for not reading me like a book. I was mad at her for not seeing right through me. Why couldn't she be like one of those psychologists in the movies? I felt like she gave up on me. _'If you say so_ '. If I say so? I hadn't expected her to demand me to continue meeting her but...

 

  
But?

 

  
I had started crying.

 

  
After every meeting she asked the same question: _Do you still have something in mind you want to talk about?_ I glanced at her before frowning a bit and moving my eyes on the usually empty rubbish bin under her working desk behind her.

 

  
'Nothing-' I started but then something came in my mind - the same thing I had decided to casually mention if I was given the chance.

 

  
_'Yes?'_

 

  
A quick glance at her and then the clock, but not the one between us on the round table because she would notice. I glanced at the clock behind her instead. Five minutes wasn't enough. I finished my sentence and flashed  calming and assuring smile at her.

 

  
' _Take care of yourself_ ', she said before I shut the door behind me. She didn't say so every time. I wondered if she - at least in some level - read my thoughts and more like asked, pleaded me to take care of myself.

 

Sometimes I didn't reply anything to it. It felt like a promise to me.

 

  
Take care of yourself.

 

  
What if I couldn't?

 

_I'll try_.

 

  
An honest answer.

 

  
I could try.

 

  
And I will keep trying.

 

  
But I cannot promise anything.

 

  
I had cried harder.

 

  
After some time the tears had stopped flowing and the heaviest of feelings had left my body. It was the calming rational silence after a heavy break down when you stared blankly at something and thought about nothing. It had lasted for few minutes.

 

  
 I had taken a grip of the edge of a table and pulled myself up.

 

  
Silence.

 

  
Darkness.

 

  
I had knocked the kitchen counter with my knuckles not really knowing what to do next. Irrational thoughts had circled in my mind suggesting and tempting me to act on them.

 

My eyes had stopped on one particular drawer.

 

  
A rush of adrenaline.

 

Oh how much I had wanted to.

 

  
I had turned and left.


End file.
